Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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