my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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