he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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