non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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