I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am one with the molecules
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
