When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
