My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
