So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
