I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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