it was like fucking gandolphs beard
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
