So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
