I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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