If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
