after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
