woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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