i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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