I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
