My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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