my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
