Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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