theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
