remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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