My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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