Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We got so high we made milksteak
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
