My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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