i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
