im six kinds of drunk right now
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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