I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
