I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone