I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
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a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
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Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.