I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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