im drinking this country out of the recession.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
