is your mom at the bar?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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