she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night