I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
