You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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