and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
