Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
