i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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