I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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