Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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