Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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