just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So much Jack, so little girl.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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