I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
