I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
