Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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