she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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