well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
