so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
