does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
