Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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