I cut my penus on the lid.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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