One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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