My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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